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:	post by Christraper at 2005-03-29 11:41:04

So we had just finished our show in NY and all was well. I had booze in my belly, powder in my nose, smoke in my lungs and a hot little girl in a king diamond shirt that i like to call my girlfriend. It was the end of the night and it was time for me and the lady to head back to my friends apartment for some well deserved sleep so we waved a cab down and handed him the address on a piece of paper and he started driving.
It became quite clear to us that this guy had no idea where he was going when he stopped in the middle of a rotundra and started muttering to himself in whatever language he grew up speaking. He then asked US where to go to which we replied "Dude, youre the cab driver, we handed you the address now get us there."
The cab driver (we'll call him Habib) then replied

"Awww man joo don tell me aneetink..."

"What?!? Dude! I handed you the address! You nodded as if you understood and started driving!"

"What joo meen man? Where'm I sposed to bee goink? Joo don tell mee notink!"

He then waved his hand in a rather belligerent manner and it was around this time that i started to smell alcahol in the car that neither I nor Valorie had been drinking that night.

"What the fuck are you talking about? I have no idea where the hell you are but I do know that youre lost, this is costing me money, and that your going to get fired if you dont get us home right now. I also know that youve been drinking."

"What?!?! Aw come on man, why joo got to say that?"

"Because youre drunker than I am right now thats why."

"Man I drive you like you say. Joo don tell me where to go!!!"

Heres where the coke really kicked in

"I DID TELL YOU WHERE TO FUCKING GO, I HANDED YOU THE GODDAMN ADDRESS NOW GET US THERE OR YOURE FUCKED!!!!"

Valorie then decided to chime in

"Hey man I just wrote down all your information and Im calling you out on this shit as soon as we get home."

Me- "THATS RIGHT FUCK-O!!! YOU ARE SOOOO FUCKING FIRED IF YOU DONT GET US WHERE WERE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING BE RIGHT THE FUCK RIGHT NOW!!!

Habib- "Hey man why joo got to bee like dat man??? I do my job! Joo goink to pay de toll man??"

Me- "ILL PAY THE GODDAMN TOLL BUT ITS THE LAST ONE YOUR EVER GONNA FUCKING GET YOU RETARDED MONGOLOID!! GET US HOME NOW!!"

Habib- "Hey man I just..."

Me- "NOW!!!!!!!!!"

Habib- "Ok man I not goink to argue wit choo."

Me- "GOOD!!!! CUZ I REEEEEAAAALLY DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY HAVE TO SAY OTHER THAN YES!!!! I WILL GET YOUR ASS HOME RIGHT NOW!!!!!"

Habib- "Oh my god."

Me- "THATS RIGHT!!!! I AM YOUR FUCKING GOD NOW GET US HOME NOW OR YOURE GONNA LOOSE YOUR FUCKING JOB!!!!"

Habib- " Habbalablabla blah blah blah.....blah."

Me- "WERE IN AMERICA DUDE, SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH!!!!"

Habib- "Hablah blah"

Me- "ENGLIIIIISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

There was an uncomfortable silence for a couple of minutes after that, then Val said to me

"Ive got all his information and im totally gonna get his ass fired as soon as we get back"

Me- "Indeed. This dude is fucked."

Habib- "Hey man, why joo got to be like......"

Me- "I DONT THINK EITHER OF US WERE FUCKING TALKING TO YOU GODDAMNIT!!! MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!! THE ONLY THING YOU SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT RIGHT NOW IS GETTING OUR ASSES HOME BECAUSE YOURE OBVIOUSLY LOST AND COSTING ME A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY I DONT FEEL LIKE SPENDING ON A RETARD LIKE YOU!!!!!"

Shortly after that with a significant amount of arguing on top of it Habib passes the street where our friends apartment is.

Val- "Dude! You just fucking passed our street! Stop the fucking car!"

Habib- "Ok wait let mee back up dee car"

Me- "NO!!!! STOP THE FUCKING CLOCK!!! WERE GETTING OUT HERE!!!! IM NOT PAYING YOU ANYMORE THAN I FUCKING HAVE TO YOU INBRED FUCK!!!"

The toll was $35. I handed him two twentys and said "Gimme my fucking change theres no way in hell your getting a goddamn tip!"

Habib quickly handed me one of the twentys back without thinking and I got the fuck out of the car while he yelled back at me realizing what he'd done.

Lessons learned:
1. My favorite word is "fuck"
2. Apparently I think very highly of myself when Im fucked up
3. Dont fuck with my girlfriend or shell get you fired
4. Habib sucks
5. If you throw a big enough psychotic fit in the back of a taxi youll get twenty bucks off the ride

Amount of times the word "fuck" was used in this thread: 23

Amount of times the word "fuck" was actually used between the club and my friends apartment: Who the fuck knows?

Obviously the ride and conversation we had was a bit longer but I filled you all in on key points of the conversation.

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