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:	post by RichHorror at 2008-02-15 12:48:11

My fellow Americans,
We live in troubled times of incredible ignorance, irresponsibility and corruption. Therefore we have found no alternative, other than to wrestle power away from the fat, bloated, disgusting hands who currently hold the reigns. Therefore we officially announce our canidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America in 2012. Rich Horror and I were initially considering a run for the Massachusetts Governor's office, but desperate times have caused us to rethink this and look to a higher office. We have outlined many novel solutions to our nations problems which benefit, not the chosen few, but the neglected many.

1 - The illegalization of political parties. For too long America has operated under an Us vs. Them mentality, with the other party being the bad guy. The sad truth is both parties are the bad guys, and it is foolish to ignore or agree with what a canidate has to say because of what imaginary animal is on their party headquarters. People who fall for this only do so because they fail to pay attention.

2 - The resolution of the gay marraige debate. It's easy. If a state wants to bow to religious pressure and disallow gay marriage, that's fine. However we support a bill where only civil unions will be legally recognized, religious marraiges will require a second ceremony to reap any benefits.

3 - Religious institutions who preach political action from the pulpit will be subject to a never enforced law, wherein they will instantly, and permanently lose all tax exhempt status. The Catholic Church alone will fix the budget. The first amendment was designed to protect the state from religion, and religion from the state. Religion will not get a voice without paying their entrance fee like everyone else.

4 - The members of both houses of Congress will no longer be voted on by the American people, instead they will be chosen through the same lottery that choses jurors. This way the upper crust will no longer be the only voices represented in government. The rest of us will have our say and for the first time in 230 years we will have a government for the people and by the people.

5 - Any Congressman running a fillibusted that lasts long enough to annoy me will get bitch-slapped by me on the floor of Congress, thus ending his fillibuster. Stop wasting our time and money with your bullshit politics. One of the other reasons that political parties are to be banned by this administration.

6 - Congressmen trying to sneak unrelated riders to laws to either ensure the law's failure, or the rider's passage, including, but not limited to pork barrel spending bills, will be publically flogged.

7 - The entire George W. Bush Administration and every member of Congress who voted in favor for the Iraq War will be arrested and charged with high treason in forcing our involvement in an unethical and illegal war, while all but abandoning the actual war we were fighting in Afghanistan. In addition, each will be charged with conspiracy to commit murder, a seperate count for each US serviceman who has died in Iraq, and conspircy to commit assault and battery with a deadly weapon for each serviceman who was injured in said war. I beleive the punishment for high treason is a good old fashioned hanging.

8 - Everyone, especially veterans, will receive good health care, thanks in part to religion's inability to keep their noses out of politics.

9 - States will lose the right to have a death penalty, since they apparently fucking suck at it. The death penalty will be limited to a Federal power, and then used only in the most serious of instances, like high treason.

10 - The Founding Fathers did not intend this to be a theocracy, so those people holding on to archaic customs from a time when every voting citizen was a Christian (and white, and male) need to stop ignoring the fact that there are citizens with other faiths, and some of them don't believe in gods at all. That is their right, and if you want your rights to be respected, you need to shut the fuck up and respect everyone elses. Mention of God will remain only where historically applicable. New buildings, bills, etc, will lose religious bias.

11 - Blind patriotism will be made illegal. Citizens are required to question their government in order to retain voting rights. As soon as we stop questioning authority we become sheep voting for who their favorite wolf is, and nothing more.

12 - Corporations raping the American consumer will be jailed, and their cell-mates will be the specific jail's most notorious cell-mate rapers. This goes for all executive boards of all monopoly corporations, and everyone who makes more than six figures working for an oil company.

13 - CEOs and executive boards of corporations who are caught polluting will live in the pollution until they clean their mess.

14 - All drugs will be legalized, and depending on class, will be available OTC for 18 or 21+, or by prescription. DUI laws will continue to be enforced, with heightened penalties.

15 - Since 14 eliminates most of the crime committed by people stealing to buy drugs, and eliminates all possession and dealing convictions, we can save money by closing excess prisons.

16 - Since 12-step programs are the standard for substance abuse treatment, and statistically only succeeds in 4% of the cases, all State and Federal funding to residential substance abuse programs will be 100% eliminated. We recommend the Rational Recovery system of self-help, since it actually works. The instruction book is only like $15.

17 - Anyone with a "Love it or leave it" bumper sticker will be relocated to Inner Mongolia, where they can learn firsthand why dissenting opinion is good for a Democratic-Republic, such as the United States.

18 - Due to truth in press laws, we will issue an executive order legalizing the act of setting people with those "try burning this flag, asshole" t-shirts on fire.

19 - Voting Americans will be empowered with the responsibility to beat any lobbyist to death at any time for any reason and not be subject to criminal prosecution, since George W Bush taught us that senseless violence can solve problems before diplomacy is even attempted.

20 - The FCC will be completely disbanded. Yes, we are well aware that this means you will now have to pay attention to what your kids are into and act like fucking parents for once.

21 - Anne Coulter will be severely beaten every day at noon. This will be televised on all the major networks. This has nothing to do with her being a woman or drag queen or whatever the fuck she is, or her expressing her opinions. It has to do with her being a fucking dimwitted asshole.

22 - War will be made obsolete. Another country or terrorist leader wants to provoke us to war, they will instead be subject to a bare-knuckle boxing match against Rich Horror. And if this leader is too much of a pussy to fight for themselves, then tough shit. Don't start problems you aren't prepared to solve yourself. It will be on pay per view to raise revenue to pay the national debt.

Vote for us, or Rich will sleep on your couch until it smells bad.

Lord - Horror - 2012
"What If They Win? - Maybe then, they could get girlfriends!"

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