"I'm strong to the fini, ack, gurgle, gurgle..."
These were the last words of famous strong-man and hero to thin women everywhere, Popeye the Sailor Man. Popeye passed away today while fighting a deadly strain of the E. Coli bacteria in an undisclosed Connecticut hospital. He was surrounded by friends and family in his last moments.
The very vegetable Popeye had used for decades to fuel his freakish forearms, spinach, brought down the seemingly indominable sailor. Popeye fans were shocked, thinking that the sailor ate only canned spinach, not the bagged spinach causing this terrible outbreak. An unnamed source told this reporter that Popeye had changed his spinach preference in his later years, after some encouragement from his life-long partner and damsel-in-distress, Olive Oyl.
Popeye apparently consulted with a holistic nutrionist, who convinced the sailor to finally include whole grain bread in his diet, and in what became a fatal mistake, switch to bagged spinach for it's greater nutrional content. The nutrionist's identity has been kept private for personal safety reasons.
When asked for comment, J. Wellingon Wimpy, know to his friends as simply "Wimpy" said this through his tears: "I always knew spinach would undo Popeye. Too much of a good thing is never wrong, but too much of the wrong thing is never good. Everyone though I was crazy when I went into debt over hamburgers, but I'm still here, and he's... gone."
In a surprising turn of events, Popeye's alleged arch-nemesis, Bluto, has come out in defense of spinach. Bluto has inflamed Popeye supporters by saying that the Sailor Man's addiction to spinach, and not the vegetable itself, is to blame for his death. Bluto has started an internet campaign supporting the vegetable called Americans in Support of Spinach, or A.S.S.
Olive Oyl could not be reached for comment, though some witness said she was led from the hospital, weeping inconsolably that her partner's death was all her fault.
Popeye's father, Pappy the Sailor Man, released a press statement saying that the Sailor Man family intends to start a foundation warning against the danger of bagged vegetables. The statement asks that anyone wishing to celebrate the life of Popeye would consider donating to the foundation.
Popeye the Sailor Man, Bluto, J. Wellington Wimpy, Olive Oyl, and Pappy and any other Popeye intellectual material copyrighted by Kings Feature Syndicate, Inc |
