/r/.RttP{MURDERCHURCH}

Ansel89: hay

Ansel89: yo i am just cleani my buddies list out and i dont kno why u are on her

Ansel89: hello

Ansel89: hey i don't want to just del you so say something

Zack: Greetings Brother

Ansel89: lolo duse why are you on my list???

Zack: From blackest sepulcher of haterapes, I greet you. We are one beneath the compound eyes of Xogoth the Monstrolith.

Ansel89: wtf

Zack: Ansel, I extend my hand of red to you in kinship. You are my brother in MURDERCHURCH.

Ansel89: uhhhhhhhh *shakes hans*

Zack: Greetings Brother!

Ansel89: hi

Zack: I have missed you at our meetings, Ansel.

Ansel89: wtf what meetings

Zack: On that star spun night of dread auspices, you stood before the altar of Xogoth and took the oath to become one with the flock. To join us in malevolent matrimony as a brother of the forever burning MURDERCHURCH.

Ansel89: lol no i didnt

Zack: You did! You drank deeply of the heartsblood. You had a sex with a black cat.

Ansel89: uhhhh

Zack: Do you not remember your vows? To uphold the three pillars of MURDERCHURCH?

Zack: Pillar one: murder the Christians sheep

Zack: Pillar two: partake the unholy sacrament of MURDER

Ansel89: no

Zack: Pillar three: drink blood from MURDERS

Ansel89: wait where are you?

Zack: The unhallowed black heath of Solomor, kissed with hoarfrost from the frozen heart of blackest murder.

Ansel89: lool ok says ilinois in your prof

Zack: It's a suburb of Peoria.

Ansel89: lol

Zack: I can Google Map it if you don't believe me.

Ansel89: no im from indiana but i go drinking in illinois sometimes

Zack: YES! You drink the heartsblood! You quaff the red wine of the innocents! You imbibe the liquid crimson philter of ruin!

Ansel89: lol wtf no keystone

Zack: There were some refreshments before the ceremony. Josh brought a cooler.

Ansel89: wait was this at the fairgrounds

Zack: YES! The forsaken pavilion normally claimed by 4H. We had it from 8PM to the Witching Hour and then it was midnight movies. At ten till midnight, when the darkest shroud of unholy nights gripped the land, we inducted you.

Ansel89: was sal there?

Zack: He attended the ceremony.

Ansel89: I havn't seen him in year what's he up to?

Zack: Ansel, don't you remember?

Ansel89: what

Zack: With the curved scimitar of the Djinn you cut off his head. It was your final act to join MURDERCHURCH. The blood sacrifice of a close friend.

Ansel89: wtf

Zack: I'm not joking Ansel.

Ansel89: ok i dont believe you

Zack: Ansel, do you believe…in direst magic?

Ansel89: no

Zack: what about bleak goblins?

Ansel89: I believe in phsychics like Yori Gellar

Zack: Yes, yes, psychic powers are closely intertwined with black sorcery and wicked goblins.

Ansel89: seriously how do you know sal

Zack: I can hear Sal clamoring at the rust-faced gates of the forlorn abyss, Ansel. If you wish to speak to him, you will need to do as I say as quickly as you can.

Ansel89: uhhh ok

Zack: Do you have a black candle?

Ansel89: no

Zack: How about a red one?

Ansel89: let me check bathroom

Ansel89: ok its kind of greenish white and it say apple crips on the side

Zack: Yes! That will do nicely. That will appease the wraiths that guard the gates of the abyss.

Ansel89: ok light it?

Zack: Yes. As you light it say aloud "Oh, Xogoth, I light this sinister flame to represent the hatefire that burns within your bloody entrails. May the Stargods of Ye Olde Tymes show the way to the gory filth-abyss that waits beyond the door of death."

Ansel89: r ead it out?

Zack: Yes. Be sure to pronounce "Ye Olde Tymes" as "yeh oooldie thimes."

Ansel89: ok candle is lit 2

Zack: Alright, this next step is very important, Ansel, so you need to focus your mana.

Ansel89: how

Zack: Think of calming things. Think of…a balloon full of brains exploding over a field of maggoty corpses.

Zack: Imagine an old rotting galleon sailing a black ocean and on the ship there is a crew of skeletons and they all turn at once to look at you and puke up chunky black blood.

Ansel89: thats not helping

Zack: Okay, try this, try a beautiful woman naked in front of you. She has huge breasts with big pink nipples and smooth tanned skin and curvy hips. She smiles and then her face starts shrinking up like a death raisin and her skin falls off in big wallpapery sheets and you can see her muscle moving underneath. Then snakes come out of her eye sockets and then start biting her body and you can hear a cackling laugh.

Ansel89: uhhhh alrigh mana focused I guess

Zack: Good. Now concentrate very murderously.

Ansel89: ok smells like applpie

Zack: Concentrate! Repeat aloud everything I type.

Ansel89: ok

Zack: Triple Ripple Swirl of Boundless Hate, Xogoth!

Ansel89: triple ripple sw irl of bondless hate xogoth!!

Zack: No, just say "ok" after you've said each part out loud.

Ansel89: ok.

Zack: Wait! You didn't say that part out loud, did you?

Ansel89: no

Zack: Alright, good, continue the incantation: Xogoth! I beseech unto your mega raped palace of rotflesh and livid tortured tissue!

Ansel89: ok

Zack: Reach into your meaty purse of the ages and draw out the skincoin of Sal!

Ansel89: ok

Zack: Xogoth! I implore you with this sacrifice to wrench his agony filled soul from the beyond!

Ansel89: ok

Zack: Now slit the throat of the sacrifice and hold her neck so that her blood fills the Ognostimaeous chalice!

Ansel89: wtf

Zack: The sacrifice man, quickly!

Ansel89: no sacrifice1!!!!!

Zack: You must! I can hear the tremors of Xogoth's approach! He is drawing near!

Ansel89: dude you didnt say sacrifice

Zack: Oh Hated Gods, quickly Ansel!

Ansel89: i got nothing

Zack: I can feel his unquenchable bloodlust gripping me! My blood is raging! My blood-filled organs are shaking! Ansel….he…is…………nnnnn

Ansel89: what!

Ansel89: hey

Ansel89: wtf dude u there???

Zack: Ansel.

Ansel89: u ok?

Zack: I am satiated. For now.

Ansel89: did xerox leave

Zack: Ha. Ha. Ha. I am Xogoth. I can smell your fear through the pitiful meat machines. I will rend your bones!

Ansel89: NOT FUN Y!

Zack: Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm coming for you, Ansel. Your Yankee Candle will not save you!

Ansel89: WTF how did you know??!

Zack: Your blood is like a juice box to me! Your fear like a parade stopping traffic! I will dine on your deepest guts before I am through with you!

****User Has Disconnected

Zack: Ha. Ha. Ha.