declaring yourself a junior archaeologist by uncovering six year old semen inside an unwashed sock at the bottom of your hamper

learning to become sexually attracted to boulders after being pinned underneath one for so long you lose all feeling in your pelvis

discovering the wormhole that brings you to an alternate universe where it rains soiled underpants so often that you can't help but go for a spring frolic in a desolate farm and rub your face in them

pumping tabasco sauce through your circulatory system until you turn into a pepper and have acidic boners that burn holes in couch cushions when you hump them

the portal to narnia that lies inside every vagina if you declare yourself the master of pussy on top of a sun dial at exactly the right second

menstrual minestrone soup with scraps of tampons as the noodles and blood clots as the vegetables

win

i am aril
i am also scott from xasthur
i am every member of graveside service
i am rich bova
i am leigh rush
my email address is DICKISBRO@yahoo.com
this will be the new neverending thread of death

conducting a bank robbery by holding your cock out to the unusually hot teller and impressing her by showing her how your cock doubles as an automatic rifle that shoots cobwebs created by poisonous spiders just after you get her phone number and take her on the date in which you'll eventually rape her

sold to lex luthor to be used as an indentured servant to fluff his testicles every night before he watches wheel of fortune naked and eats a plate of chili cheese fries

hermaphoditic self-satisfactory coitus touted as grounds for earning the college degree that will land you the real estate career you always wanted to convert humanity into your subservient slaves for having your genitals tickled by swarms of cockroaches

taco bell: turning assholes into mt. rainer since pet rocks could get you laid

surfing on an ironing board over a sea of sewage set to collapse into a sephora and neutralize the scent of harsh perfume poring from the cunts of the clerks

popping your eyeball out of its socket and entering it in a yo-yo competition

finding yourself unsatisfied with an airplane's first class service and stomping your foot on the floor causing it to crumble underneath you and falling 30,000 feet to your death in an elementary school playground

the psychological damage caused by seeing a raccoon eat its own head and cause pepsi blue to gush from its neck and into your mouth

submissively accepting your duty of cleaning out the space between your grandfather's scrotum and thigh with your tongue after he runs seven consecutive marathons without showering

lying face first in a tepid pool of your own urine wearing nothing but a snorkel mask while daydreaming about innovative new masturbation techniques

returning to the place you once knew as your former junior high only to discover it's been converted into a proctology training school where they pay all the assholes that dropped out of high school that you knew $20 an hour to have their asses inspected while you're a college graduate and can't find a job

This thread is full of win.

putting the ceo of yankee candle's kids through college by buying thousand of dollars of candles every day for performing complex masturbation rituals in cornfields amongst the slaughtered corpses of cattle you wish to fornicate

cheese dip

anally penetrated with kitchen knives and cryogenically freezing all your shits henceforth to put them in bottles and claim they're ancient ship carvings in ebay auctions to supplement your monthly disability claim

feeling evil while getting sick and having your eyes turn red while your body turns green and a roving pack of starving black men mistake you for a giant watermelon and feast upon your corpse

forking your penis to make it easier to gracefully strum your harp to the sight of thousands of naked lady angels pouring honey on each other and licking each others cunts while transforming your enemies into the fat slobs in sauce stained wifebeaters who base their lives around forming the perfect ass grooves in their recliners collecting unemployment checks with meager enough wages to pay for their weekly beer allotments and nothing else

uneducated man seeking a greater purpose in life by wandering into the woods and lighting himself on fire to become a walking hot dog for bears to feast upon while fingering his own asshole to the thought of a menage a trois with a tree limb and a gargoyle

waking up one morning to find your bed on the ceiling and doing some investigating to find your center of gravity has been inversely polarized and going outside to investigate further and getting sucked into the sun causing the winning lottery ticket in your pocket to disintegrate preventing the collapse of the economy and sealing your status as an unappreciated martyr for humanity everywhere

I think I support this thread.

Yankee candle factories are surrounded by corn fields.

I like to think that all of the trolling on this site is done by only a single person, and we have gazed on the golden age

gazing in the mirror at what a pathetic worthless shell of a human being you are until your reflection leaps out from the glass and strangles you and beats your head upon the porcelain sink until you die and your spirit wafts into a mirror universe where all of your failures are reversed into triumphs

winds of fire practicing unholy absorption of all your positive traits on your weathered and broken spirit until the only thing that remains is a mindless zombie who can function well enough to take your order and give you your change before going home and getting shitfaced to prepare for the endless barrage of eternal misery that awaits

observing the golden age to its very end and finding yourself staring upon a barren wasteland of dying brown grass and tumbleweeds years later with nothing to show for it but a receipt in your pocket from that time you went to jcpenney three years ago and bought a three pack of boxer shorts that you would use to asphyxiate yourself while jerking yourself off and crying to sleep during the middle of a hailstorm that would produce the tornado that carries the love of your life away

pure gold

taking 100 hits of acid and talking to your dickhole about the best way to cultivate crops that will provide nutrients to thousands of hungry jackals looking to cash in on the latest fecal obsession trend that's sweeping the african congo

giving birth to a psychopathic freak who will one day rape you and steal all of your worldly possessions before backpacking across europe sniping college kids who have lived sheltered lives that want to prove to the world they aren't total pussies

staring into a mirror at midnight until your irises are capable of performing hypnosis on yourself and you get sucked into a universe where left is right and right is left and you try to vote for the left wing candidate but your ineptitude to the nature of inverse law brings you to vote for a candidate which prevents you from aborting a child so you murder the mother and eat the fetus for sustenance in times square as a hurricane turns you into a human flag

a sky that turns green and black and shoots lightning bolts that strike civilians turning them into people who go home and play call of duty on xbox 360 live and talk shit like they're 13 even though they're 37 with two kids and a respectable office job in a mid-sized city in the midwest

scrotum becoming entranced by the gaping maw that lies in front of it and unconsciously floating towards the oral portal in a futile attempt to grasp the greater meaning of life only to become trapped in what it perceived would be a mechanism that would enhance the quality of its existence

What in the unholy fuck is going on in that last picture!?

full body paralysis occurring during black friday at the apple store when a crazed housewife plunges a diamond tip drill bit into your spinal cord as revenge for purchasing the last late model ipod

taking a bunch of mushrooms and fucking a gap in a tree only to have a swarm of red ants crawl inside your dickhole and form a colony of sperm coated ants that grow to massive proportions and apply for office jobs in suburbs of mid-sized midwestern cities

stapling your scrotum to your asshole and applying to be a contestant on jeopardy under the legal name jesus christ while your former sixth grade teacher dines on a tv dinner in a lonely nursing home bed

creating a hippie commune inside a mountain of roaches and burning the entire thing while inside it to get massively high as you roast to death

an fda approved pill designed to give you pinocchio style nipple boners for whenever you tell a lie or speak of blasphemy against the church

menstruating into a jar for weeks on end and selling it at a farmer's market as cranberry sauce fit for your thanksgiving dinner

training to travel the country with an innovative modern orchestra that plays tear-jerkingly stunning renditions of all your favorite beethoven and mozart hits by pointing their bare asses into the air and farting into recorders while a venus flytrap fellates you to earn the money it needs to put itself through law school

making love to a chainsaw on top of mt. rushmore while the quintessential american family gasps in horror because you didn't pray to jesus beforehand

sucked into a dimension where screaming babies are the only instrument in the london philharmonic and top hats and powdered wigs are in style because they match your brand new reality perceiving antenna

an instant replay of your asshole collapsing so hard it causes your jaw to get sucked into your face and snap your brain stem airing in slow motion on espn17 while blood-thirsty hyena/human hybrids cackle and sharpen their steak knives to sample the gourmet delicacy known as smashed asshole

this deserves a slow 80's clap.

^

digging a trench so deep you strike liquid and asphyxiate yourself in a pool of lava and using it as a metaphor for why your life is fucking worthless

face ripped off by robot vultures in a futuristic desert deathscape with chrome claws, iron beaks, and radioactive eye lasers

purchasing the brand new car your wife will use to haul your chopped up corpse across the country 8 years later before she writes to the company how great the gas mileage was when she took her dream vacation

tying a screwdriver to your cock and force-fucking someone's eyeball out of its socket before you turn to the camera, take a big bite of it, and proclaim "now that's good eating!" in a commercial advertising the real other white meat

soldering your asshole shut and having your digested food get so backed up it runs out every other orifice in your body in a bloody brown liquid mess for a cheap traveling carnival that turns illegitimate babies of tilt-o-whirl operators into cotton candy

42

standing in line at the grocery store while an earthquake opens a crevice and sucks the fat cunt complaining about the prices of the store who doesn't realize she could always just not shop at a place expensive as shaw's into a magma death of shit and fuck

nocturnal emissions seeping into the wrinkles of your skin, draining your knowledge, and leaking into another planet where they can fuck another day before passing out and shitting all over themselves to retire to a piss stench filled bedroom

fuck it these are horrible compared to the earlier ones

bennyhillifier

turning my penis into a martyr and giving it a life of its own so it can castrate itself and jump into my esophagus choking me to death just before all the blood leaks out of it rendering it cold and lifeless being seen as a sane alternative to online dating

the seemingly endless and soul-sucking battle to stop your asshole from being so itchy while your co-workers frantically scramble to meet your deadlines because you spend all your time in the bathroom scratching your o-ring with a can opener

cunt sundae with blood clot cherry on top

cunt used by prairie dog colony as base of operations for evil plot to take over the world

the insurmountable urge to claw at your own face while trying to ignore the legions of elves ejaculating on it sprinkling red and green confetti on you in a feeble attempt to turn you into a christmas present for satan who would like to jack off on you himself

testicles used as an anchor point for an overweight high rise window cleaner while resting on top of a solar panel and turning into popcorn chicken

spambot so intimidated by the meaning of life it feels too helpless in the face of reality to advertise its products and looks elsewhere hoping to find hypnotized fools eating kfc while watching qvc and getting fatter and larger stains on their shirts

spending a warm, sunny sunday afternoon drinking beers, catching up with old friends, and tossing horseshoes at grandpa's erection

football sized hairball ripped from uterus and used as mating wig to attract leprous pelicans with down's syndrome who will caress my balls in their scooped beaks

doing a belly flop off the top o f the prudential building into a giant vat of lard, eating the entire thing, and asking classy hookers to suck the fat out of your asshole

OP misspelled "pagan megan weight gain".

oblong sentiments of radical dirt biking interwoven into the fabric of your hairstyle for permanent tupperware storage containment alongside your plastic universe you cherish so much on holidays

standing at seven feet and eight inches tall over a bonfire which you shit on to give it sweet sustenance it uses to flame on another day and throw magmatic ash at your relatives that they use to go fuck themselves after being told in a rather public and humiliating manner that they ought to go fuck themselves

hypnotic flannel pizza fellating the undertones of a traditional painting we can only identify as a beehive fucking an ice cream sandwich underneath the most wretched pile of dirty laundry it has ever been your misfortune to gaze upon in all your years as a professional masturbation trauma counselor

looking through the glass wall perched upon an elevator shaft blinking at you to cry subtle tears of unknowing futures that you laugh at and go home to finger your pisshole while watching videos of cats on the internet that fat old grandmas videotaped in rotting nightgowns they wore on their honeymoons while getting fucked in the ass with a big black dick outsourced from another planet to earth so it could recite the alphabet in jizz and put it in a soup to market to dumb children gullible enough to believe they are actually deriving any sort of enjoyment out of life as they mundanely consume bland processed food products with glazed over eyes

a look back at the humble beginnings of a young man who decided to forsake traditional ways of life and sell his car, give up all his worldly possessions, and distance himself from his friends to pursue a career of performing in a circus where snapping turtles bite his testicles as he plays twinkle twinkle little star on a harmonica that has an electrical current running from it to jolt his nipples until they turn blueish green

sodomizing telepathic lawn gnomes who were placed by the cia on your neighbors lawn to document every time you smoke crack while walking down the street to go to the vegetarian restaurant for a delicious meal and talk about hybrid cars and the environment all the while trying to ignore all those god damn spiders that are just fucking everywhere for some reason oh yeah that's because someone sold you meth instead of crack and now you may very well be catatonic while drinking tonic and chasing it with gin

laying facedown in the sauna of a gay bath house while a trio of woodpeckers chisel away at the inside of your anus trying to count the number of layers of dried up semen on the drain grate

opening a farm for wayward retarded cows who were exiled from their previous farms for producing sour milk in an attempt to extract the specific enzymes that made their milk different for the sole purpose of using it to create a new energy drink that will make people legitimately retarded and pitch it to the makes of energy drinks to call it quatro crazy

starting off the summer in a seasonally appropriate manner that the entire family can enjoy: making cocktails with the tail of your cock

walking downstairs to your refrigerator completely naked at 3am for a midnight snack of wood shavings by the spoonful out of a moldy tupperware container while masturbating to the van gogh print of starry night you have hanging over your kitchen table pretending that you and peter pan are granting the wishes of children everywhere by turning them into diseased mutants who lurk in sewers waiting for you to flush your goldfish down the toilet to take part in a tremendous thanksgiving feast

videotaping a parade of morbidly obese cyclops kittens demanding equal rights at the dinner table on alternate tuesdays in exchange for having metal plates installed in their heads that track every time they hear the voice of regis philbin

welding a dozen harpoon heads to the grill of your car and driving through grand central at rush hour shortly after huffing a gallon of fermented envelope glue viewed as a bold and empowering statement to the middle class of america that we should all remember to change our plug-in air fresheners every so often for fear of living in a world that smells like rotten cheese being shoved up your ass

this.

(This search has been censored by the SOPA protest.)

(This search has been censored by the SOPA protest.)

(This search has been censored by the SOPA protest.)

opening an underground bunker pantry to find several pounds of processed bong rips ready to inhale with the crack of a seal for all those long nights spent polishing bullets under a dim, crackling light that represents your capacity to acquire new knowledge about your surroundings

the awkward moment at the laundromat when you drop a jizz encrusted washcloth on the ground next to a total stranger who could be your mother as she poorly conceals her disgust and suppresses the fact that she once was like so many of those washcloths many years ago

shoving a pinecone so far up your ass that you cough up bloody maple syrup to enhance sticky masturbation rituals

having a panic attack in the middle of a church sermon causing you to clutch your chest and scream out in pain exclaiming that a colony of scorpions is burrowing into the depths of your colon with their tails leading to an emergency colonoscopy revealing a highly advanced civilization of nocturnal scorpion warlords who were using your anus as a vessel to propel themselves to the proper strength needed to conquer the known world by feasting on all the processed food you consume and becoming radioactive and dangerous

10th grade creative writing class is awesome.

pole vaulting over a glass tube filled with chlorine gas into a pit full of needles pointing upright that were glued to a piece of plyboard in order to win a gold metal at the retard olympics

tied to a telephone pole with genetically engineered super slugs the size of windsocks that have developed a resistance to all salts and have sprouted fangs so they can nibble at your fingers while you scream in agony wondering what your life would be like now if you could masturbate to smooth jazz melodies on another planet where slugs are transformed into trumpets with chemicals too toxic for humans to mess around with

breaking the sound barrier with a urethral fart that adequately captures the feeling of degradation and oppression commonly associated with hundreds of years of black slavery

hate kill fuck death puke die shit aids fuck ass leech ram pony up a fucking squid's rectum shut your dick staple your dickhole shut shut your fucking cunt with a glue gun shove a baseball up your ass and shit a home run fuck yourself fucking die fuck fuck fuck

do a shut the fuck up ritual about it shut the fuck up about life and your fucking hopes and dreams because I suck ass at life okay, I fucking get this already because I've already heard and said the words fuck you enough times to get a rudimentary understanding of why i should fuck myself before the rest of the planet because i am the most useless person alive and should be shot okay i fucking get it already i understand plenty of everything and don't need you to repeat it to me or assist me in any way because i get it and i got it long before you got it so shut the fuck up

rabies babies with scabies eating labia and facefucking themselves with bricks because they hate themselves more than i hate myself i am inept and don't understand anything my entire life has been meaningless and serves no purpose because fuck off that's why what is the fucking point of being alive if nobody even gives a shit

seeking the necessary inspiration to move on with your life and forget about the rose colored days of yore when you used to yodel nude in public in between bouts of fellating recently deceased yaks for a bit of under the table tax free pay that you got when you voted for pat buchanan, the beastiality enthusiast's republican

smelling her bakery fresh cinnamon roll grundle and writing a book about it to mail to every communist country for use as its new government manifesto

living with the knowledge that in the world there is a subculture of decent, law abiding, tax paying folks who come home from a hard day of work and unwind by drawing pornography of every show you ever loved as a child and putting it on the internet to help you destroy the idea you have implanted in yourself that some things are sacred

imagining yourself stomping the living shit out of your idiotic co-worker's head while thousands of people cheer you on and make it so there is no possible way for him to escape as the mayor of your town gives you an award for improving the community you live in and saving everyone from a world where idiots come up to you and make the most inane small talk in all of recorded history and act like you should care simply because they're talking to you

I hate small talk

stapling your foot to your face and screaming at traffic completely naked wondering why things couldn't have turned out better some of those times they didn't turn out the way you wanted them to, so many yesterdays, so many regrets, so many diems you could have carped

flying a spaceship shaped like a gigantic carrot around the circumference of a black hole and letting the gravity well minimize your aging so you can return to earth in the distant future and start the spread of hepatitis after it has already been cured for so long that the cure has been forgotten and an entire human race gets infected with your ex-wife's horrid memories

decking the halls with elephant balls

going to the grocery store knowing you will either be escorted out for lewdly masturbating every phallic looking vegetable with a photo of Estelle Getty stapled to them or be arrested and find your way onto the registered sex offender list